date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
dads on road-trips be like
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest