you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My circle of trust is a meatball
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Feels like there should be a middle ground
File under excellent bookstore names.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?