*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.