Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute