Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.