Well, this certainly took a turn
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.