My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”