God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My typo game is string.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
S M O L