LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You Might Also Like
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.