me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.