me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?