Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
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*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.