HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Boating season is upon us.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward