When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Wait a minute…
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
i- i did not expect this