The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Dolls on drugs
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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