ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
New favorite tiktok
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The point of your 20s
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[eulogy]
line?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.