I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You Might Also Like
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[shakes fist at other fist]
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”