If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.