doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Nice try, NASA
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My first child will be named New Folder.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.