I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!