my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Finally
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
how to exercise your calf muscles