It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.