Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
yes… yes…
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?