dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice