How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”