*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A game married people play.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!