I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
An odd boast
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’