My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.