*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok