Sell your car
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks