*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving