On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Thinking about Jeff
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
These work great until they don’t.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.