This is a bad sign
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
me refusing to leave twitter
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck