Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!