The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
This line from Airplane.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.