Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I have so many questions.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Raisins are grape jerky.