If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
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Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Actually cracking up @ this
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.