Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
tell em, edith-anne
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Saw your ex at the shops
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends