Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’