Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning