Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
You Might Also Like
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.