Every photo I’m tagged in
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Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT