I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.