Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
fixed it
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.