[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?