What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.