Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.