Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.