“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.