When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.